SEVEN DAYS OF A CAMPUS ROVER
I am a campus rover, locally assembled; body and chassis perfectly fitted to suite Koilel terrain, your brother from another mother, another one from the soil.
MONDAY
I wake up with Hangovers that drastically subside after realizing I have a CAT (Continuous Assessment Test) later in the day and I bet you this is not a rat’s affair. I realize last night’s weather man’s guess was right-He ‘prophesied’ that the rainmakers will be doing what they know best today. I duck into the library unceremoniously. For me, content flows uninterrupted from books to my cabeza (head) at library’s room temperature. In the afternoon, my adelinarine is up in arms but magically subside after I’m done with the 1hr head to head with the CAT. The evening is here, I gate crash somewhere within the confinements of Koilel for supper. Here Ugali is up for grabs in manageable pieces and some greens too. The greens taste like the bitter herbs that Hammurabi’s subjects consumed before embarking on a journey to the land of milk and honey. I rest my body with all its wares intact to bed in peace some minutes after midgmight.
TUESDAY
I no longer torture pavements in swagger…
In for lecture by eight. It however begins at fifteen minutes before nine, the usual African time but the lecturer makes up for the lost time by leaving earlier. At twelve, my head hits Caribbean, the Spanish class! It is the peak of the day and its is Brrr! ‘On Chep side of life.’ There is a new vocabulary today… Wei!... “Soy Wei...”…Its only after I get its meaning that I discover that I’m one crazy Wei. The lecture is over; I head to the Mess only to discover that my wallet is in dire need of help. I divert to administration block to harass the walls of Equity bank auto branch. I’m welcomed by ‘I’m being serviced’ message. It occurs to me that I have to dance with emergency poverty for a day or two courtesy of a dead wallet, as dead as political parties that died before we died. This now reminds me of my buddy who is vying in the oncoming Muso elections…I harass him with promises to campaign for him and as a result it earns me some free late lunch and a hundred bob on top. Being a hooligan Christian who tithes at the nearest pub, particularly when it come to easily earned cash. The hundred bob is drained at Sogomo’s Keg den. I can’t account for the rest of the day.
WEDNESDAY
I wake up early knowing well that Wednesday has nothing to do with wedding on my side. I was ditched by kanyariro daughter of Osman a month ago. This why I no longer torture pavements of Chep in swagger and style and at the same time maintain a low profile-besides, my name is not that which you’ll find in the current edition of the telephone directory…or probably in Moreno Ocampo’s secret envelop. By the way, today’s talk in town is on ‘Tickets to Hague’…should they be free, I would like to have one particularly bearing in mind that ridding in a plane to Hague for a baboon like me would be pure luxury given that I’m accustomed to ‘hanging’ over Githurai – Town route train and costs me only ten bob. I had no lectures today, no woder I’m doing a lot of verbal diarrhea since I woke up. I spend the day indoors zero grazing. I’m amused by the number of soap operas doing rounds in local television stations. Where did they get a notion that a campus rover of my caliber is a fan of soap operas? I retire to bed early and torture my blankets until 7.am.
THURSDAY
The rainmakers are threatening to do what they know best, cold breezes all the way from Iten are penetrating into the veins like frozen peniciline.A debate on the proposed constitution final draft is live on one of the popular radio stations. For the first time in life I read the proposed constitution last year but I must admit I’m not a fan of law. There are a lot of contentious issues but the debate majors on Kadhi courts and Arbotion issues, however I loose interest and carry on with my chores. But before I’m done, I’m left wondering why Basket ball courts, Food courts and Kangaroo courts were not included in the draft. In the afternoon, I attend a lecture half awake half asleep while my intestines struggle to crackdown code 33.At four, I’m in a discussion group and this indicates that exams are around the corner. After this I discover that I have not read much yet. I check in at the library and Mwai halls thereafter where content flows into my head uninterrupted at room temperature…off course! I retire to bed early because sleeping is another hobby that I invest in when I have time.
FRIDAY
Ni furahi day!..(Nonini et al. 2005) I’m woken up by someone’s rumbling music system and duck to the bathroom for a refreshing shower with Jamaa bar soap, that removes ‘walking and crawling’ stains. I receive news that the auto branch is back to ‘coughing business.’ I repay all my debts and check into the library and out after three hours. I had one lecture today. In the evening I’m in the midst of teachers of the booze, gifted and accustomed drunkards and scavengers all protocol observed, for a booze lecture somewhere at the heart of Sixty Four. I’m a gold member here and this at least guarantees me designated escort. My escort today is a bar attendant, who is supposed to ensure that I close Uganda road safely and get me into a Chep bound matatu. When I’m intoxicated I do not take risks along Uganda road bearing in mind that, if a goods-on-transit truck catapults you six feet onto the air, you will have no chances, after one week, you’ll be six feet deep in the core. I can’t account for the rest of the day. I wake up next day innocent and sober.
SATURDAY
All week’s laundry in the morning. I decide to explore Junction (Damascus) and gate crash here and there for lunch. After this I discover that there is nothing new in Junction except today’s newspaper. I grab a copy but not before bargaining. I finally get it at thirty bob. You think its not possible? Try it when the guy has not made many sales, but its equivalent to celebrating someone’s misery. And!…Junction has a doctor! It seems this guy virtually cures everything, from this to that and the list is endless. But the doctor must be a miser. I thought doctors ride in cars, he rides on a bicycle with a plate at the back inscribed shauri yako. I sun down at Sogomo with Saturday Nation.
SUNDAY
By the way, one day I had gone to persecute two jugs at Junction (Damascus).Light appeared from nowhere, I saw the light, I was soil then, but now I’m Noel. This is why today I’m holier than thou. I wake up, face Jerusalem and recite the Lord’s Prayer. Everyone in local Televisions and radio stations is preaching. A famous one says he has blessed soaps that you have to bathe with and all your problems will be past tense. This hits my mind and reminds me of Hellon and his 2012 running mate Miss Esther Timberlake alias Miss Gathanga of the Finger of God saga. It rings in my mind that I can fit well in Hellon’s flock but my weak wallet can betray. At 10 o’clock, I’m humbly composed like a vuvuzela that is innocently carried to cheer a match between AFC leopards and Gor Mahia at Nyayo Stadium. At my church, I’m ushered into a front seat, yards away from the pastor. Here designations are usually brother or sister so and so. I diss the devil until twelve o’clock. In the afternoon, I grab a copy of one of my favorite dailies and read a column by one Mutahi Ngunyi poltical son of the soil. There is a match at Old Trafford at six. Sunday ends up on a football note with lots of expections for another week of campus roving.
Grammatical errors not corrected/regretted
From the CHRONICLES OF A MAD MULLAH by Noel Mutugi
Author: Noel
Magazine: The Bridge Magazine; Strictly Campus
Chepkoilel University College official students' Magazine
All rights reserved
I am a campus rover, locally assembled; body and chassis perfectly fitted to suite Koilel terrain, your brother from another mother, another one from the soil.
MONDAY
I wake up with Hangovers that drastically subside after realizing I have a CAT (Continuous Assessment Test) later in the day and I bet you this is not a rat’s affair. I realize last night’s weather man’s guess was right-He ‘prophesied’ that the rainmakers will be doing what they know best today. I duck into the library unceremoniously. For me, content flows uninterrupted from books to my cabeza (head) at library’s room temperature. In the afternoon, my adelinarine is up in arms but magically subside after I’m done with the 1hr head to head with the CAT. The evening is here, I gate crash somewhere within the confinements of Koilel for supper. Here Ugali is up for grabs in manageable pieces and some greens too. The greens taste like the bitter herbs that Hammurabi’s subjects consumed before embarking on a journey to the land of milk and honey. I rest my body with all its wares intact to bed in peace some minutes after midgmight.
TUESDAY
I no longer torture pavements in swagger…
In for lecture by eight. It however begins at fifteen minutes before nine, the usual African time but the lecturer makes up for the lost time by leaving earlier. At twelve, my head hits Caribbean, the Spanish class! It is the peak of the day and its is Brrr! ‘On Chep side of life.’ There is a new vocabulary today… Wei!... “Soy Wei...”…Its only after I get its meaning that I discover that I’m one crazy Wei. The lecture is over; I head to the Mess only to discover that my wallet is in dire need of help. I divert to administration block to harass the walls of Equity bank auto branch. I’m welcomed by ‘I’m being serviced’ message. It occurs to me that I have to dance with emergency poverty for a day or two courtesy of a dead wallet, as dead as political parties that died before we died. This now reminds me of my buddy who is vying in the oncoming Muso elections…I harass him with promises to campaign for him and as a result it earns me some free late lunch and a hundred bob on top. Being a hooligan Christian who tithes at the nearest pub, particularly when it come to easily earned cash. The hundred bob is drained at Sogomo’s Keg den. I can’t account for the rest of the day.
WEDNESDAY
I wake up early knowing well that Wednesday has nothing to do with wedding on my side. I was ditched by kanyariro daughter of Osman a month ago. This why I no longer torture pavements of Chep in swagger and style and at the same time maintain a low profile-besides, my name is not that which you’ll find in the current edition of the telephone directory…or probably in Moreno Ocampo’s secret envelop. By the way, today’s talk in town is on ‘Tickets to Hague’…should they be free, I would like to have one particularly bearing in mind that ridding in a plane to Hague for a baboon like me would be pure luxury given that I’m accustomed to ‘hanging’ over Githurai – Town route train and costs me only ten bob. I had no lectures today, no woder I’m doing a lot of verbal diarrhea since I woke up. I spend the day indoors zero grazing. I’m amused by the number of soap operas doing rounds in local television stations. Where did they get a notion that a campus rover of my caliber is a fan of soap operas? I retire to bed early and torture my blankets until 7.am.
THURSDAY
The rainmakers are threatening to do what they know best, cold breezes all the way from Iten are penetrating into the veins like frozen peniciline.A debate on the proposed constitution final draft is live on one of the popular radio stations. For the first time in life I read the proposed constitution last year but I must admit I’m not a fan of law. There are a lot of contentious issues but the debate majors on Kadhi courts and Arbotion issues, however I loose interest and carry on with my chores. But before I’m done, I’m left wondering why Basket ball courts, Food courts and Kangaroo courts were not included in the draft. In the afternoon, I attend a lecture half awake half asleep while my intestines struggle to crackdown code 33.At four, I’m in a discussion group and this indicates that exams are around the corner. After this I discover that I have not read much yet. I check in at the library and Mwai halls thereafter where content flows into my head uninterrupted at room temperature…off course! I retire to bed early because sleeping is another hobby that I invest in when I have time.
FRIDAY
Ni furahi day!..(Nonini et al. 2005) I’m woken up by someone’s rumbling music system and duck to the bathroom for a refreshing shower with Jamaa bar soap, that removes ‘walking and crawling’ stains. I receive news that the auto branch is back to ‘coughing business.’ I repay all my debts and check into the library and out after three hours. I had one lecture today. In the evening I’m in the midst of teachers of the booze, gifted and accustomed drunkards and scavengers all protocol observed, for a booze lecture somewhere at the heart of Sixty Four. I’m a gold member here and this at least guarantees me designated escort. My escort today is a bar attendant, who is supposed to ensure that I close Uganda road safely and get me into a Chep bound matatu. When I’m intoxicated I do not take risks along Uganda road bearing in mind that, if a goods-on-transit truck catapults you six feet onto the air, you will have no chances, after one week, you’ll be six feet deep in the core. I can’t account for the rest of the day. I wake up next day innocent and sober.
SATURDAY
All week’s laundry in the morning. I decide to explore Junction (Damascus) and gate crash here and there for lunch. After this I discover that there is nothing new in Junction except today’s newspaper. I grab a copy but not before bargaining. I finally get it at thirty bob. You think its not possible? Try it when the guy has not made many sales, but its equivalent to celebrating someone’s misery. And!…Junction has a doctor! It seems this guy virtually cures everything, from this to that and the list is endless. But the doctor must be a miser. I thought doctors ride in cars, he rides on a bicycle with a plate at the back inscribed shauri yako. I sun down at Sogomo with Saturday Nation.
SUNDAY
By the way, one day I had gone to persecute two jugs at Junction (Damascus).Light appeared from nowhere, I saw the light, I was soil then, but now I’m Noel. This is why today I’m holier than thou. I wake up, face Jerusalem and recite the Lord’s Prayer. Everyone in local Televisions and radio stations is preaching. A famous one says he has blessed soaps that you have to bathe with and all your problems will be past tense. This hits my mind and reminds me of Hellon and his 2012 running mate Miss Esther Timberlake alias Miss Gathanga of the Finger of God saga. It rings in my mind that I can fit well in Hellon’s flock but my weak wallet can betray. At 10 o’clock, I’m humbly composed like a vuvuzela that is innocently carried to cheer a match between AFC leopards and Gor Mahia at Nyayo Stadium. At my church, I’m ushered into a front seat, yards away from the pastor. Here designations are usually brother or sister so and so. I diss the devil until twelve o’clock. In the afternoon, I grab a copy of one of my favorite dailies and read a column by one Mutahi Ngunyi poltical son of the soil. There is a match at Old Trafford at six. Sunday ends up on a football note with lots of expections for another week of campus roving.
Grammatical errors not corrected/regretted
From the CHRONICLES OF A MAD MULLAH by Noel Mutugi
Author: Noel
Magazine: The Bridge Magazine; Strictly Campus
Chepkoilel University College official students' Magazine
All rights reserved
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