“Kwani
this January has 40days - like of fasting
and praying in the wilderness?” NoelMullah asks and I’m like “Ateh what?..are you talking to me sebo?” It’s a
rhetorical question I’ve also been asking myself particularly after draining my
wallet last December…bills are higher than ever and the devil comes tempting me
with some soft loans from one or two shylocks in town...Shindwe!…but it seems some guys out there have serious January flu
to deal with than I do.
The Mpesa guy
The mpesa operator at
our ploti kumi branch, a guy we
fondly refer to as ‘Bank Manager’ is as broke as a church mouse. He doesn’t
offer much solutions this January as he did last December. No more soft loans
and no withdrawals too… “deposits only,” he retorts every day. January came in handy
yesterday when he rubbed some Kanjo
askaris the wrong way, was ‘thrown in’ and the good ploti kumi neighborhood committee bailed him out of Aladwa’s this
morning.
The Guy Upstairs
His stories must have
reached you by now. This Mr. Man at room 33 has had dramas since last year. One
day he came home drunk and confused room 23 downstairs for his 33 upstairs.
However in the former, he coincidentally found a sleepy wife eagerly waiting
for her drunkard husband. She took in the booze maestro thinking it was her
husband only for her husband to come knocking hours later. The Guy Upstairs
could not explain what he was doing in there. A scuffle ensued leaving him
three teeth poor. The other day, The Guy Upstairs had a rough time with
clansmen of a girl he had pitied for her pregnancy. He asked her to live with
him as she sorted her life after she was dumped by the father of the expected
child. Unfortunately, after news of what she was expecting and where she was
living reached her parents and uncles, they came looking for him thinking he was
the father. He has since gone
underground probably waiting for things to cool down. The landlord’s still
looking for him, he hasn’t cleared Dec arrears.
J.J jama wa movie
J.J a guy we nicknamed
Kamotho alias Jamaa wa movie. He’s had this Jamaican accent (dominated by Yeah man! And Waagwan! Interjections) and ones a while does some moves - what
many believe are karate ones. So the
other day, he decided to check ‘himself’ into one of the many fake dojos
mushrooming around our hood. He must have been motivated by his Bruce Lee movies. So, after merely a
week in one of the ‘dojos’ he decided to harass some ‘thika road chinese’ in
bid to putting his karate moves into practice. The poor dude was arrested and is
now serving a six month jail term.
Kamaa Sub-Chief wa Area
You must have heard
about the famous mututho laws and
their implications on booze lecturers and booze lecture halls, the 11pm thing? It’s so awkward that some of those who are
supposed to enforce these laws are lecturers of the booze like Kamaa Sub-Chief
wa Area. Kamaa is always ‘papers’, making his ancestors proud 24/7 and has
spent many nights in ditches in and around areas of his jurisdiction. He’s been
arrested twice after mututho hours
and given warnings that should he be arrested again he was to lose his job. He
lost the Job three days ago after being accosted at Mama Kenzai ‘s drinking spree after…masaa ya Mututho. Another one
nursing a serious January flu.
Wakanaga wrong number
Wakanaga, the Matatu tout that got the wrath of a
local women’s chama after allegedly
assaulting his wife…the wife battery thing. He’d been punching his wife daily
and treating her like some ngunia of
rotten potatoes ad was rumored to ‘seeing’ a local lady pub attendant. When the
wife reported the issue to her chama,
Wah! They ‘rained’ on him like drums.
He has always been arrogant (Jogoo wa tao)
but nowadays he’s been spotting a fine kasmile in a manner to suggest he’s at
peace with everyone.
The Headteacher
Talking of KCPE results
sends Mr.Githioro shiver down to…and wet his pants. The best pupil at his
school, a school that I won’t mention…the school that most children from our ploti kumi attend, attained 250 marks
out of a possible 500. Parents literary went mad. A 250 mark was like frozen
penicillin being injected into their veins because last year, the best had
342marks, as were a few others with 300+. All faults were therefore pushed onto
Mr.Githioro who was frog matched out of his office to the school gate and
warned never to set feet back there.
Ocampo 4
As if the flu wasn’t
over, the Ocampo six were the other day reduced to four. I don’t know who to
commend or sympathize with. Uhuru the son of Jomo , my cousin and distant
relative from 64, Ruto, brother from another mother, Joshua arap Sang and
Nchuri Ncheke’s son, Muthaura were left in the list. This was not your average
list of classroom noisemakers; it’s a list of experiences that make the 40 days
January. As I put that previous full stop, breaking news pops out on TV… ‘Uhuru
and Muthaura quits’ - signs that January is seriously extending onto the
already short February.
